me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize