barbara walters just said penis...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
