It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
