So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
