Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
