She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
