My hand turned me down
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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