Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
