something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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