I didn't shave. On purpose
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
