last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
