and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
