I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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