No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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