im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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