The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize