we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
