I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize