Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
