The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
