Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
