I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
