i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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