i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
tell me about the fingering
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