You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
