Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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