no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
