dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
