The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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