im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
