I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
