It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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