I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
