Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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