Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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