i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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