Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize