im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
