its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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