You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
