i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You ate ashes out of my bong
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