Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
