Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
