I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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