i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
