I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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