I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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