Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
