I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Randomize
