Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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