You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you never un-have a 4some
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
