In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
