Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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