I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
