I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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