Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
