why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
