I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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