You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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