6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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