My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
FUCK WHALES
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
