I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize