They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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