moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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