Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
