I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
false alarm, still single
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