ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
